Sunday, January 17, 2010

Is this a python in the water?

Well...here is my new adventure in Boca Raton.

Here in South Florida, one hears constantly about the problem with pythons that have been bought as pets, and upon growing to a size that requires feeding them a pig instead of a mouse, were released into the Everglades. Every once in a while the newspapers report that one of these wonderful creatures was captured in a garage or patio or a garden.

Today I went to my fourth floor balcony with a new book expecting to enjoy the sun and the balmy 77 degrees, when I saw my wife with her binoculars playing her role of naturalist extraordinaire and iguana expert. A normal man would have made a u-turn and gone to read the book in the bathroom; but not me. I walked straight into the trap. My wife turned to me and asked: "Is this a python in the water?"

For those of you who don't know my wife; without glasses she is as blind as a bat, and with glasses she is not much better. As evidence to her poor sight; she married me. But here she was pointing to something moving in the water. I took the binoculars and looked. Sure enough, a dark thing was zigzagging on the shore of the canal. At one point it went underwater, and when it emerged again it seemed to be looking at some birds on the shore.

Given that children are known to fish in the area, I did what every good citizen would have done. No, I didn't lock myself in the bathroom. I called 911.

The courteous operator responded with the demeanor of someone used to hearing the most outrageous complaints. I played cool, and informed her of my sighting. "How long is it?" she wanted to know. I wondered whether to go to the tool cabinet, take the measuring tape and go down to measure it, until I remembered that I am terrified of garden variety snakes that are measured in inches, let alone ones measured in yards.

"BIG," I responded. "Very big."

"Would you mind escorting a sheriff when he arrives and showing him the location?" she asked.

"No problem," I responded, looking to walking towards a python as much as I look forward to root canal without anesthesia.

The sheriff arrived, and together we started walking towards the snake. Of course, the sheriff had a gun in his hand, I had a cell phone to protect me. I was ready to text message it to death.

We walked slowly. The iguanas were looking at us cautiously. The birds flew with a cacophony of sounds. We continued walking. We whispered words of encouragement to each other. From the balcony my heroic wife was screaming "to the left, more to the left."

And so it was that her guidance and my courage we found the very long rubber tube that was floating in the canal.

Like a chameleon, I changed colors, acquiring a reddish tint. I looked up at my wife and her binoculars; and had no choice but to tell the sheriff: "She made me call you."

10 comments:

Josh said...

Great Article--we all have these embarrassing stories. Some desperately crave attention to the point that they post them on their blogs.

Anonymous said...

Obviously a leftist liberal plot to make the police think you're a hysterical citizen whose calls need to be avoided, and to be used as a pretext for raising taxes to cover the added costs of answering false alarms.
You fell right into the trap.

Mario M. said...

Anonymous, how come I failed to realize this plot of the internatiolnal letft? Thanks.

Anonymous said...

Knowing both your blind-as-a-bat, sharp-as-a-tack wife and you (bold-with-a-germ, scared-of-a-worm). I am crying with laughter and can't quite breathe. Thank you so much for this mental picture ingrained forever in my brain and the miles of ammunition and many, many, MANY years of ribbing this story will provide.
Let's start now....
I would not chase it with a stake, I would not chase it with a rake. I would not chase it with a gun, I would not chase it just for fun. I would not chase it here or there. I WOULD NOT CHASE IT ANYWHERE!!!

Mario M. said...

Well anonymous, let's have your name.

bee said...

Obviously my mother.....

Julie S said...

Yes, obviously.

Anonymous said...

Help! I know all of you!

Mario M. said...

Okay mother and daughter. I am glad I made you laugh. Your comments made me lol too.

Anonymous said...

It is cruel and unusal punishment to force someone recovering from surgery to read something this real - it is obviously an action of the great right wing conspiracy.

But then it was the liberal Mom who told me to read it!